Dear Amy: Just before the pandemic, I ended my engagement to my partner of just over four years.
The recovery from my heartache has been made so much worse from the quarantine, but I’ve moved forward. I am about to buy a home and I have excelled in my career.
Recently, two mutual friends told me that my ex had become a sex worker.
Hearing what he was doing to himself and his life bothered me at a level I did not expect.
During our relationship, he and I spoke at length about our dreams of being husbands and fathers.
When we parted, I tried to stay friends with him, but each new lie and insult only opened the wound that I wanted to heal in my heart.
This new information kept hurting me in new and disgusting ways.
I understand that heartbreak doesn’t follow a guaranteed pattern of recovery, but I was shocked at how much it hurt me.
I went home that evening and sat up in bed until 5am, saddened by his choices – when I knew I shouldn’t care.
What advice would you give me to put up with the fact that he has given up on his goals and instead seems to resign himself to being a product anyone with enough money can get hold of for one night?
– Still hurt somehow
Better still hurt: They say you shouldn’t worry about it, but of course you should – and you should worry about it! You care because this was someone you loved and who I still love.
Your care and concern show your abundant compassion and humanity. Your grief is evidence of your impotence in a situation that you dislike but cannot control.
Hope you will not judge your former partner harshly. That won’t help either of you.
Love him from afar during this difficult time and hope that he will take care of his own health and well-being.
Unfortunately, you can’t make his decisions for him – but you already know that, which is one reason you’re no longer together.
Dear Amy: I am a woman who wants to be the 17 year old girl who graduated from high school weighing 92 pounds (soaking wet).
This older woman has since put on 20 pounds simply due to aging – and if that isn’t bad enough, COVID comes along, where another 10 pounds have magically surfaced.
Now I have no idea how tall I am. I’ve lived in yoga pants for quite a while, which really says, “All is not well in the kingdom.”
I am currently in a hot love affair with carbohydrates. To complicate matters, during COVID I learned to hone my cooking and baking skills which are now almost restaurant quality.
My new modus operandi has become “Carpe Diem”.
I’m out of control.
Do you have wisdom for me
– Desperate in Darien
Dear desperate: The number on the scale doesn’t matter as much as the feeling that you are reporting “out of control”.
You are somewhat disadvantaged because you obviously weren’t concerned about your eating habits until recently.
Various studies report that a high percentage of Americans gained weight during the pandemic, so you are definitely not alone.
I can tell you from experience that 10 pounds does not “seem magical”. It won’t magically go away either.
My advice is to accept the implications of your choices. Understand that every day has a clean slate and plate. Small changes can lead to healthier habits.
A nutritionist could offer you a realistic strategy for getting healthier (there is room for chocolate in your life!).
It is important that you protect yourself. Self-loathing may fuel a diet, but self-love opens the way to health.
Dear Amy: “To steer?” wanted to bribe his granddaughters not to get tattoos.
Surely you are right that the girls see bribes as an opportunity to get more money from grandpa by getting paid not to engage in risky behavior.
The better solution is known as the “reverse bribe” in which he “offers” to reduce their eventual inheritance for every tattoo the girls get: let’s say for every tattoo inked, $ 10,000 is removed from their inheritance .
Grandpa would likely find that his granddaughters lose interest in tattoos very quickly if there is a financial consequence involved.
– The better “bribe”
Dear better: In my opinion, Grandpa doesn’t need to monitor his granddaughter’s skin at all. Financial constraint would therefore not be necessary.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamyamydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter, askamy, or Facebook.)
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